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***WARNING: VULNERABLE AF***
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Nobody ever really tells you how fkn hard being in a marriage is.
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No one ever really talks about how there will be some days when you want to cheat on your husband.
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No one prepared me for when I’d want to ask my husband for a divorce, bc I was convinced that our differences were unreconcilable.
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People don’t fkn talk about how seemingly impossible marriage can feel.
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Until you’re in the throes of hating life, you’re sure the relationship is wrong and you want to dip out and never look back, cuz you just KNOW that there’s gotta be something better...
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We’ve been married nearly 2 years now...
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I refused to settle. I decided that I was worth more. I was convinced that there had to be a better way. And I believed that it meant that I needed to leave my husband.
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This is some hard sh*t to admit.
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I thought that HE was the source of all my problems.
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I just knew that if I wasn’t in this relationship
I could be successful
I could make more money in my biz
I would be able to have more energy
I was going to be able to create for myself what I knew I could never depend on someone else to create for me.
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You might have heard me talk about living in victim mentality.
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You might have even read my blog post about how I was no longer available to live in that “victimville” place. (If not, you can check it out here!)
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Well shit. I thought I was done...but “EGO” had other ideas.
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"Oh hello Blame, I thought we’d decided to go our separate ways! I guess I was wrong. Cuz here you are again, rearing your ugly head like fkn Pennywise the clown hiding in a storm drain, waiting to bite my arm off or pull me into your sick sorry world."
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You’re out of luck old friend, bc THIS time, I escaped again. With only a few small shreds of my integrity. And a little bit of hope.
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❤️ I’m fortunate that the guy I married has the patience of Job and somehow has tolerated all of my ridiculous shenanigans (sometimes against his will, I think). ❤️
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Not that I’m the only one who has a problem. Of course not. I’m just really good at seeing my part (thanks to ten years of recovery, AA/CA and 12 step program lol)
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I guess my point is, never think that what you see or hear or know is the whole story, especially when it comes to other people, couples, relationships, marriages, etc.
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ESPECIALLY on social media...
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Most people have demons they fight on a regular basis, and you’d never know bc this is the type of shit nobody wants to admit.
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I’m good with that. I’ll admit it. I’m not perfect. Far from it.
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In fact - I’d go so far as to say my struggles and how I process them tend to make me stronger just because. Bc I’m willing to find the lesson. Willing to see the gift and the opportunity in it for myself.
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Even though sometimes that’s hard af to do. And most times, I'll be honest, I don’t even want to.
But when I stay curious, and really look inside - I know I have the answers, and I know that nobody else could ever really know what I should do in any case at all.
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I get to grow as a result. I get to become better acquainted with myself. It’s not bad, finding comfort in knowing how to listen to the inner guidance that I invariably have access to any damn time I want. Truly. It’s a gift. One that I would like to think I wouldn’t take for granted, ever.
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But I’m human. Fallible. Built perfectly imperfect by my Creator. So that I could learn and grow. And teach. Myself and others.
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In conclusion, the lesson I learned was NOBODY has the power to make me successful (or NOT) in my business, OR in my life. So, the moral of the story is that what I thought was erroneous. A mere reflection of my own survival patterns that inevitably come up when I’m faced with change, or a difficult life situation (Hell-O, growing a human life inside my body can’t possibly register on a ‘difficult-o-meter’ LOL - sike)
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Reclaim your power.
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Don’t let your EGO convince you that someone else has control over your story, or how your story starts, goes or ends. Period.
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Never allow that “SMS” (small minded self) of yours to let you think that someone else can KEEP YOU FROM or BRING YOU TO success in your life or biz.
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I’m thinking I got lucky. I realized in time. And who knows, I might still blow up my personal life in the name of Ego & SMS someday in the future. I hope not. But I won’t rule it out.
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Bc after all, I am still only human. I’m not perfect, and I make bad choices, and I do stupid sh*t. A lot.
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HOWEVER: I’ve learned not to let my stupid choices define who I am. They just get to teach me a lesson, and it’s up to me and my Team whether or not I actually listen and learn 😜
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This time, I learned. I’m grateful for the lesson. And I hope that by me sharing, it helps someone else who needed to hear my nasty dirty little secret, bc maybe they’re going through something similar.
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Don’t let your secrets keep you sick. Never let them hold you back from the glory you’re meant for.
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